When The Last Teardrop Falls...

Why do we have to cry...
when love is taken away from us??Why does it have to hurt...
when we let go of someone we love??

In a treasured relationship, the hardest thing to do is say goodbye and setting someone free. For in every last embrace... a part of us dies. Every tear drop that falls, washes away our hopes... then we are left with nothing... but PAIN & BITTER memories because we've lost love... but never understand how & will probably never know WHY?? We try to get away but every move we make somehow has its way of reminding us of the PAST all over again. Every turn of our head & every blink of an eye reminds us of LOVE LOST in eternity & it makes us wonder how one person can make us feel so empty, so alone, so dessolate.
Every song no matter how beautiful it is, will have to end on its last note. Like every day has its night, all that has started will have to end on its own time. It is an inevitabililty that we cannot restrain, something that we cannot control & just a fact that we have to accept & learn to live with.

Let us remember that our lives dont have to end where our heartaches begin. Somewhere, someone will come along & sing us their song of love. Someday, someone will fill our lives with joy & hapiness. Somehow, we will find love again & it will wipe away our tears & bring us the promise of a new life a new hope & a beautiful begining :)

Just Plain Tired...

Im so tired of Fake ass people in my life!!
Im tired of over extending myself.
Im tired of always being the one to call and stay in contact with friends & family.
Im tired of being too nice to my friends.
Im tired of always being the dependable one.
Im tired of people and their Ommisions~as if thats not lying!
Im tired of not being able to trust certain people in my life like I want to.
Im tired of believing in people that have no worthy of my energy
Im tired of asking questions and getting answered with a question.
Im tired of people blaming their stupidty or regrets on alcohol.
Im tired of people complaining and not counting their blessings.
Im tired of people defining themselves by what they have or havent accomplished in life instead of who they are inside.
Im tired of people defining me by mistakes Ive made in the past.
Im tired of friends who would rather see themselves alone reach the top.
Im tired of they way families now-a-days treat each other.
Im tired of men sexploiting women in videos.
Im tired of women feeling like their worth is defined by their sexuality.
Im tired of friends doing things behind your back.
Im tired of people taking this Myspace thing too seriously.
Im tired of people begging to be on someone top list.
Im tired of kids growing up thinking that hanging out in front of the bldg is cool.
Im tired of gold digging women ruining it for the good ones out here.
Im tired of women fucking up a good man by their infidelities.
Im tired of phony people who have the world fooled by acting as if they really care about others.
Im tired of disrespectful teens who really just need a good ass whipping.
Im tired of conniving men.
Im tired of Judgmental people.
Im tired of being seen as wifey material by a dozen guys but not by the one that matters most.
Im tired of acting as if certain things don't matter when in fact its everything.
Im tired of Bush's poor excuses and his entire administration.
Im tired of people being given a short lease on life.
Im tired of the media always trying to make me feel like I should be on a diet, when I know my Puerto Rican curves look good!
Im sooo tired of the Bullshit!

In a Funk...

How do you express to someone what it is youre going through when you yourself cant figure it out. Have you ever been at a point in your life when you feel like youre making all the right moves and things seem to be going well, you know your priorities in life and youre sticking to it but yet and still you feel UNHAPPY. Is this what you call a "funk"?

I have a lot of friends and a few very close ones but its so hard to talk to anyone. I have always been internal. I deal with my problems myself without burdening anyone. I have been able to deal with things this way for as far back as I can remember. Some say I am a secretive person because of this but im not trying to be. I put on a mask like everything is all good that not even my closest friend would ever know what lies beneath. I laugh, I joke, I go out and have a good time but all in an attempt to mask the pain inside me. I am going through something right now that I cant explain and I dont want anyone to feel as though I am ignoring them or being secretive. I have my health, friends, a family that loves me and I'm on the right track in life but I am not Happy! Why? I cant figure it out, but I know that I will get through this. I go through this often... It helps you analyze your life and draw your own path... its gets better... but right now its easier said than done!

I didnt post this so that anyone can feel sorry or for anyone to begin to pry. I simply posted this in the hopes that if someone else is going through a "funk" in life, that they can feel secure in knowing that we all go through things in life and when we come out of it, we are stronger and wiser than we were yesterday. Time heals all wounds and thats all I need right now... time to get away and clear my head. Writing is my therapy and thats what I'll be doing for a while. Anyhow, thanks for reading.... I will be alright! TRUST!

Vern, My Dear Friend... You Will Be Missed!

It's about a quarter to 8 pm Friday night March 23rd, 2007. I'm driving to Yonkers with the Godkids and their mom. I get a call from my best friend Tray. I knew it was her because of her ringer. I couldn't get to the phone because it was buried underneath the kids coats. So I just let it go to voicemail. I figured I'll call her back when we got to our destination. About 10 Seconds later she calls my phone again. I'm still on the highway so I couldnt get to it but I figured maybe its something important cuz she doesnt usually call back to back like that. So as I'm driving with the left hand, I'm searching for the phone with my right. By the time I found my phone the call had ended. A few seconds after that my Godsister's phone started ringing. She's Tray's sister and Tray knew we were taking the kids to Pizza & Brew. Theresa answers the phone and says "Hey girl wassup, Suly couldnt answer the phone cuz she was driving." (Pause) "She's driving right now" (Pause) "Oh My God are you serious". This is what I'm heaing come out of Theresa'a mouth. She then tells me "Suly, I think you should pull over." I said "Theresa why? what happened?" She continues, "Suly just pull over when you get the chance". I had just reached my exit as she said that. So as I made that right on Jackson Avenue in Yonkers, I pulled over. Theresa passes me her bluetooth and I quickly asked Tracey to tell me what happened. Tray says " Suly I don't know how else to share this with you. Vern, was in an accident a little while ago and he didnt make it". I guess I really didnt process it the first time because my reaction was "huh, what are you talking about?" Tray then says "Suly, Vern is gone, he died in an accident today on the Bruckner, he on his bike and was trying to avoid an accident and swerved". It was slowly starting to sink in "are you serious Tray? I cant believe that, are you sure? Please tell me youre joking" Tray said "I wish I was Su, but he's gone" As she said those words the first teardrop fell. "I can't believe this Tray, we were such good friends and he just text me yesterday". I started to drive again although it was probably not the best idea cuz see, I was driving but my mind was not focused. I dont know exactly how I got to our destination but we did, it was like an out of body experience. I got to Pizza & Brew and still had Tray on the phone. She said "Su, if you need to talk, I'm here." I said "Thanks Tray" and proceeded to hang up the phone. "Are you ok?" Theresa asks. "I'm just in shock right now" I answered. Theresa asked "Do I know this guy?" I said "I'm not sure, I think I have his picture in my phone" I told her. As I went into my phone it was as if I saw a ghost. I saw the last conversation Vern and I will ever have. When I began to read it to myself, I began to cry. "I can't believe this was our last conversation."

March 22, 2007

Vern: Hey What's good this weekend. Where's the party at? Are we hitting the den up one more time for our old Friday usuals miss Missin In Action?
Suly: M.I.A. LOL! I'd love for us to all go back to The Den again. Reem would definitley go, he just sent me a comment about it earlier this week. Just lemme know if the crew wants to go back.
Vern: Aight. So what u and Tray doing this weekend?
Suly: Well I dunno about Tray but I have a date tomorrow night and I'm spending Saturday with someone special
Vern: He's a lucky dude. Is this the same dude you was telling me about?
Suly: Yeah, too bad he doesnt realize it.
Vern: Im sure he does, hes prob just frontin.
Suly: Whatever! He better realize it quick LOL
Vern: Dag just give the brotha a fair shot, remember good things come to those who wait.
Suly: Whateverrrrr! I aint a patient girl LOL
Vern: I aint mad at ya! LOL
Suly: Soooo I heard u a rough ryder now LOL
Vern: Yeah, yeah, u know how we do LOL so when we going for a ride?
Suly: Nah man you a newbie, I aint tryin to go riding with a newbie. U gotta have at least 5 years experience for me to get on LOL
Vern: Nah I aint a newcomer.
Suly: Yeah Yeah u just got your bike LOL
Vern: LOL Aiight, well holla at me if ya'll decide to go to the Den tommorrow.
Suly: Will do.

How was I supposed to know that this would be our last conversation. Dam Vern, Why'd you have to get that fucking bike!! I can't help but to feel as though if I wouldve made more of an effort to get everyone together for our Friday Happy hour that Vern wouldve had no business being in the Bronx that day and he would still be here with us. I know they say "when its someones time to go, theres nothing that can be done to change it" but, I still feel guilty. Ive been fortunate throughout my life to have never lost anyone close to me. I never understood what it felt like to lose a good friend. Its so painful to know that you can never have those good conversations with your buddy anymore. See, Vern and I were mad cool. He was like a brother. We use to talk about all sorts of things. However, I kept our friendship at a distance because Vern was married to a friend of mine. I never wanted her to feel threatened by our friendship. It was bad enough a mutual friend of ours put a buzz in her ear that she needs to watch me around her man. That really bothered me cuz I'm not that kind of girl. Ive just had to realize that sometimes people really have nothing better to do then start drama. If only she knew that I don't get down like that and that Vern & I were just cool peoples. Thing is, half the time he was just asking me for advice. Like for her birthday, he asked me whats a nice restaurant I think he should take his wife to. Thats how it was between us. He'd ask me things to get a females perspective and I'd ask him for the male perspective. Just good friends!
I will never forget my friend Vernon Kearse. He always wanted that bike... he got it... the hard way! He was a good guy who was sometimes misunderstood. So I'm gonna end this with his favorite quote...
"I may have done the things they say I did, but I'm not the person they say I am"

RIP Vernon Kearse
Sunrise: October 28, 1976
Sunset: March 23, 2007

You will be missed!

To Know Me Is To Love Me... I Think LOL

Ok so before you can understand me, youve gotta learn about my tid bits and quirks... And believe me... I have lots! So here are just a few of my random memories, pet peaves and quirks... Can you relate???

1. When I was little, I stuck a q-tip in my ear and ran into a wall. Boy did it hurt.

2. One time I dialed 911 when I was too young to know any better. The cops came to my house and I blamed it on the little girl my mom babysat.

3. I got my 1st grade classmate suspended because I told everyone he pushed me when I actually tripped and fell myself. I still have the scar on my leg. I recently saw him. Yea...I felt bad.

4. I got bullied when I was in kindergarten.

5. I would win spelling contests when I was in elementary. I kind of don't know what happened now.

6. I feel naked if I don't have a necklace on.

7. I may have obsessive compulsive disorder. Everything has to be in its place.

8. Every time I go inside my room, I have to check my closet and under the bed.

9. Every time I go inside the bathroom, I have to check behind the curtains. I do not know why but I feel that I have to.

10. I used to be madly in love with Slater (Mario Lopez of Saved by the bell).

11. In the 5th grade, I loved Salt & Pepa. My friend and I did a dance in front of the whole school for a talent show. Can you picture it? 5th grade, dancing to "push it" What were we thinking... better yet, what was the school thinking for letting us do it.

12. When I was little, I was eating Trix cereal but I accidentally poured too much in my bowl. I poured some of the cereal back even though it already had milk in it.

13. I got in trouble in the 1st grade for drawing on my classmate's paper. it wasn't my fault that she didn't know how to draw stairs properly and I was showing her how to! I got 10 minutes detention after school for that.

14. I don't really like attention or when people stare at me. I get all embarrassed and shy.

15. I hate being tickled a lot. That's my weakness.

16. I found love at the age of sixteen and again at the age of 23. I guess I'm looking for love in all the wrong places (sigh).

17. I pooped in my mom's stomach before I was born. They said that I almost died because of that.

18. The first part of my 5th grade years, I used to wear the same thing almost everyday because I thought my outfit looked hot and I wanted everyone in the school to notice it. I got made fun of by my brother and I cried. Then the next day my mom took me shopping.

19. My name was actually a mistake. My mom initially wrote Suhely for my Birth Certificate and they must've thought the h was a b and hence the name.

20. I love Kit Kats. I love to eat the outside first. Then layer by layer. mmm!

21. I have an incredible, terrible fear of twisting my ankles. It sucks though because sometimes it stops me from doing certain dance moves full out.

22. I don't round off numbers to the nearest 5. I set my alarm clock to 6:12 and I microwave stuff at 17 seconds or 1 minute and 39 seconds.

23. Chocolate covered gummi bears. OH MY GOODNESS! I love them. During one of my long nights at the studio, my friend bought some of those for our artist Asiah. I secretly ate them while we were sitting listening to her sing.

24. I like to read peoples` about me`s. I think people are interesting and I like to see how different each of them is. I like to sit around and just watch the people walk by. Because of this, I study psychology.

25. I really, really like accents, especially English accents for some reason. I secretly read to myself in a british accent. Sometimes I pretend to be Fran Dresher too.

26. I love meeting new people and having long distance friendships. I just love friends! They're great and they keep me from being lonely.

27. When I was little, my brother locked me up in a chicken coop under the house in PR. I was traumatized.

28. I secretly daydream about being in a happy marriage and having a little girl.

29. I shadow box at home when I get frustrated.

30. When I was in 5th grade I accidentally broke my friends arm. I pulled her hair so that she would sit down and not get in trouble. I guess I pulled too hard. She fell and broke her arm. I begged her not to tell her parents. She did. I got punished.

31. That same friend once pulled out my chair as I was getting ready to sit. I fell and everybody laughed. I ran out of the room crying and didn't speak to her for like a month.

32. I don't like my food to touch each other.

33. I sleep with five strategically placed pillows.

34. I'm proud of my Best Friend.

35. My biggest fear is losing my parents. It keeps me up at nights sometimes.

36. I cry to myself often ...Its great therapy.

37. I can't eat a folded slice of pizza.

38. I have to have ice in my milk or I can't drink it.

39. I told you I don't like to round things off at the nearest 5.

I Dont Wanna Be THAT Girl!

Why do guys respond to females more when theyre ignored and treated like a number but the minute the female starts showing a bit if interest the guy all of a sudden forgets to return calls? Wassup with this cat & mouse game? Why cant we all be upfront about how we feel. If youre not feeling someone, why not be honest. We appreciate honesty even if it means hearing what we dont want to hear rather than a pool of empty promises or shit you dont mean. What if the tables were turned? Would the rules still apply?

I thought once that I was a good judge of character but lately Ive been way off. Am I to believe that all men are the same? This emotional rollercoaster that Ive been put through has taken a toll on my soul. I went for too long treating dudes like shit because of my experience with an ex but I soon realized it wasnt right. So I modified my thinking and corrected my actions as to be sure not to hurt someone the way I was hurt. I feel like I'm very close to treadding that road again. I dont know how much more I can take before returning to my old frame of mind. Im so sick of what my heart feels, why cant I numb my feelings like I used to!! I dont want to be that girl who is mad at the world because shes been lied to over and over. Good girls seem to finish last in this rat race so I think Im gonna have to be the newest member of the bad girls club. I gotta figure this out soon cuz I really dont want to be THAT GIRL!!!

Keep Your Partner SATISFIED!!

People!! Why is there a major lack of communication between the sexes. Stop ruining things for the good ones out there. My friends are always saying things like "Men just don't care and don't communicate well", "Women talk too much and are emotional wrecks" All valid points to an extent. I think it lies a lot deeper than that.There's a big miscommunication between the sexes that makes us lust and loathe the opposite sex at the sme time. With shows like Sex and the city and movies like Two can play that game, you think we would be smart enough to understand what the opposite sex needs. Although I believe we will never truly understand it, we can try to modify our thinking in order to bring out the best in our relationships. If you havent read He-Motions by T.D. Jakes, you must go out and get it. He offers much insight into the way a man thinks and how women struggle to understand them.

The biggest complaint my girlfriends have about men is that men just don't listen. Ladies, when you talk to a man about your issues, it isn't that he's not sympathetic or doesnt care, but more so that they don't always understand women and our views. There's nothing wrong with that. Women are complicated and see things in varying shades and degrees. With us, there are pinks, blues, reds, etc. A man sees things simply... black, white and grey. They have a tendency to be confused by women and our need for talking. If he offers a solution, we don't like it, or if he offers no solution or suggestion, either way, he has fucked up. Either we reject his answer as ignorant or uncaring and get mad or see no response as meaning he is heartless and being a jerk and get mad.

Come on ladies, it's a catch 22 for these dudes...give them a fucking break. Whatever they do, they live in fear of getting us mad, they get frustrated and stop trying to please us... and we dont want that! Men are agitated by anger from a woman, especially if he doesn't know or understand why, or that he has contributed to our anger simply by complying with our request. Let him know you are talking to him not to blame him for your problems or even trying to get a solution, but just that you need to talk to someone. If you ask for his advice, accept it, LISTEN, aknowledge it and give him credit for trying. Let him know you appreciate his input. It doesn't mean you have to take his advice. Don't tell him he "just doesn't understand" if you don't like the answer, you'll push him away. Always consider too, the best time to discuss things is NOT when he just walks in the door. And guys, don't attribute bad moods or anger to PMS. MAJOR FUCK UP-TRUST! The correct answer to "am I getting fat?" is NO BABY! LOL

MEN TAKE NOTES: Women are motivated when they feel special or cherished. Women need to receive caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance. We need to be treasured. (So do men!) We value love, communication, beauty and relationships. A woman's sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships. We spend much time supporting, nurturing and helping each other. We experience fulfillment through sharing and relating. Personal expression, in clothes and feelings, is very important to us. Communication is also important. Talking, sharing and relating is how a woman feels good about herself. For women, offering help is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength; it is a sign of caring to give support. Women are very concerned about issues relating to physical attractiveness; changes in this area can be as difficult for a woman as changes in a man's financial status. When men are preoccupied with work or money, women interpret it as rejection.

Now in speaking with with many of my male friends, the most common complaint they seem to have about women is that women are always trying to change them. Fair argument, because ladies.. you cant meet a man at a club then months later (when your feelings get involved)expect him to stop going out all of sudden. You met him there and its only fair that the decision for him to give up his partying ways must come soley from him. This "need" that many women have to "mold" him into something confuses men. This "need" is why we have furniture to move around and make up and hairstyles to change--drain your "needy" energy on these. When a woman loves a man she feels responsible to assist him in growing and tries to help him improve the way he does things. He's a MAN, he does things a man's way. She thinks she is helping or nurturing him, while he feels he's being controlled, smothered, manipulated and unaccepted. He'll dig his feet in and refuse to change in any way. Even if your way is better (which most of the time it is LOL), let HIM figure that out himself. Wait for him to ask. Men take a great deal of pride in doing for themselves. If he was good enough to date, you fell in love with him the way he is, why in the world would you WANT to change him? He's not broken, so don't fix him. (Now ladies, if he was broken when you got him and figured you can fix him, then you're a fool for thinking he would become this prize... a broken man must fix himself.) If he asks, he wants to do something to make a change, he wants a woman's acceptance. If he ASKS you directly how to change or improve, suggest it to him in a loving, caring way. Don't belittle him, put him down, or demand. All you accomplish there is minimizing his desire to grow or change. Men need to feel in control, so let him HAVE the remote!

WOMEN TAKE NOTES: A man's sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results, through success and accomplishment, by achieving goals and proving his competence. To feel good about himself, men must achieve goals by themselves. For men, doing things by themselves is a symbol of efficiency, power and competence. In general, men are more interested in objects and things rather than people and feelings. Men rarely talk about their problems unless they are seeking "expert" advice; asking for help when you can do something yourself is a sign of weakness. They are more aggressive than women; more combative and territorial. Men's self esteem is more career-related. Men feel devastated by failure and financial setbacks; they tend to obsess about money much more than women. They hate to ask for information because it makes them feel as though they are a failure. Men need to recieve trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval and encouragement. Men are motivated when they feel needed. A man's deepest fear is that he is not good enough or not competent enough, he cannot provide or is in some other way not as good as he would like to be, though he may never express this. For a man not to feel needed, loved, and admired is a slow death for a man.

So Ladies, try your best to make a man feel like a man. Give him the respect he deserves, if in fact he is a good man. Ladies always remember that you have a great deal of power in a relationship but never let your mate feel inferior. If you want to stay on your A game follow this: Cater to your man EMOTIONALLY--ladies your man may never tell you when something is going wrong but if you know him well then you can tell but dont try to find a solution nor coax it out of him. it must come from within- just be there with undivided attention when he does open up.

Cater to your man PHYSICALLY--Ladies you know what I mean by this. Stop the "I'm tired " or I have a headache" routine. Your man is gonna find someone who just took a tylenol and is ready and willing to please him. Not only do you give it to him on a regular basis but think of clever ways to give it to him. Men grow very tired of missionary quickily, in fact most men dont even bother with it. Please keep your sex life spicy. Go to the village and pick up some sex toys, lotions, beads, chains, whips whatever youre into LOL. (Pink Pussy Cat novelty store-my lil' suggestion LOL). Dont be afraid to try new things. I cant stand it when women are like " I dont do that"... WTF? If its your man why the fuck not?? But see, these are the same women whose husbands are texting the next chick in front of them while she's steady talking 'bout "I dont do this & I dont do that", work on your gag reflex and take a stripper class or something LOL. I mean the point is keep your man satistfied in the bedrroom so that he wont have to wander.Oh and keep your appearance up ladies! Don't get tooooo comfortable. Its just plain lazy! Get a gym pass, work out a few times a month at least. Continue to buy the same kind of clothes he first fell in love with you in and lose the sweats for bed. Get a Victoria Secret card and max it out. Leave the bloomers with your momma and wear only thongs. Call him up during work, say the freakiest things and hang up. Let him keep guessing what color you're wearing today and when he's racing home to you after work... meet him at the door with nothing on but pumps!! Tear him up!! LOL.

Next Ladies, you must cater to your man MENTALLY--No good man wants a dumb chick. OK OK, there will always be men like Koby that will marry you just cuz you look good but obviously good looks don't take you that far cuz while she was sitting in front of the mirror he was busy bangin that white chick out. If thats what you want, go ahead and sit pretty baby girl. But for the rest of you... please pick up a book, enlighten yourselves. Go back to college, work on that degree. If college isnt your thing then pick up the dictionary and an encyclopedia and educate yourself. Men love sexy women with a brain and goals. It sets you apart from all these birds in short skirts and low tops flying into windows.

Ladies lastly and by far not least, you must cater to your man financially--yes even FINANCIALLY! Although a man feels he must be the bread winner, if you can hold your own and let him know that youve got his back, it makes you that much more sexier. Nothing like a power couple. Ladies please dont sit there saying you'll only date a man that has an A-P-T, a J-O-B, or a C-A-R when you don't even have a G-E-D. Ladies when you get the things you need and most of what you want on your own, then your demands for what a man must have changes and that my friend, is a sign of maturity. So hold your own and stop depending on these men to pay your bills and buy you shit.

Take into consideration some of the things I've suggested. Let me know if they work for you or if I'm way off. Or if you have suggestions of your own that I may want to incorporate in my quest to understanding the opposite sex and keeping them satisfied! Your opinions are much appreciated. Oh and don't worry, the next blog will focus on men!
Oh and if you managed to read this blog in its entirety---THANKS!!

Can Anyone Find Me?

Can you come over and tuck me in? you see i'm feeling like there is a hole in my soul through which every emotion drains away into an abyss that i have yet to reach the bottom.

Can anyone hear me? cause i've been screaming so loud that i've lost my voice, so in a fragile whisper i try to call out to someone who has yet to come and save me from this solitude.

Can anyone drive me? can you give me a lift up to a place where i can find a key that i've lost, it leads to my heart and without it its open to thieves that might try to take what little is left inside.

Can anyone see me? cause i've been wearing this mask so long that i doubt anyone has seen the real me and im about to forget who i was in the first place.